He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
