please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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