so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
