This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
