Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
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