Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize