it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
