Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
