You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
a search helicopter?!
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
