i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
