guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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