Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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