forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
There r osticjed everywhere
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
