you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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