bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize