Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Randomize
