u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
