so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
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