Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize