I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
