did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
