Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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