NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
