Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
