we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
