If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
