how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
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