My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Randomize
