I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
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