I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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