Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
