Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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