Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
