I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
We need a shit load of segways right now
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
