i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
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