After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I'm gonna fight the coyote
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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