sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
