its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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