You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize