Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
