Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
