I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
