New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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