i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Randomize
