thus making me awesome and them whores
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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