I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize