Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
