someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
