trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Every concussion has its silver lining
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
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