Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
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