Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
