boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
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