Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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