we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
