Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
