I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
either way he was missing a nipple.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize
