my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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