Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
