she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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