Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Randomize
