Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize