it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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