Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
