Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
